Friday, February 25, 2011

things that make me happy

i was cleaning out my old myspace blogs, and found this list i had made of things that make me happy. i decided to post it here(revised of course) so i could always remember it.

Landon
madi's excitment at getting landon to say "west side laaaaate"
landon saying "ay bay bay"
chinese food
the house on "L" Street, before everything went bad
madi stabbing jake with a butter knife
reading old letter and remembering the "old days"
reminiscing over old pictures
calling annette "nutty bar"
madi-pants when she laughs at me laughing, cause when i laugh really hard no sound comes out
calling jodi in the middle of the night just cause i know she'll be awake to talk
jodi's car
"kerby" madi's car
Miss Honey, my honda
Miss Daisey, my buick
"trinket" my toyota
"pheobe" my nissan
"pickles' my mini van
Calling Louise "wheezy cheesy"
Reminising about Louise and all the good times we had(R.I.P)
Jeromie(R.I.P)
madi's hatred of all things romantic
my sister calling me to complain about my mom
Nirvana's "sexy" face
that i understand madi speak(it's a foreign lanuage, i swear)
The sink sgetti story
telling the sink sgetti story with jay-r and madi, laughing our asses off & everyone else giving a pity laugh and thinking we're dumb
knowing jay-r always has my back
jay-r and i getting "stuck" on the "bear skin" rug
madi and i's obsession with olive garden and mouth orgasm cheesecake
jay-r and i singing "a whole new world"
zak making jake kiss his knee
when landon says "mommy"
splashing in puddles
dancing in the rain
hot chocolate when it's cold
the movie "little women"
a good book
hot bubble baths
the way landon snuggles up to me when he's tired
snuggling under lots of blankets when it's cold
knowing that madi's room will always be messy
shopping with madi
knowing that madi has my back
going to the park and taking 4 rolls of pictures of us doing nothing
christmas cartoons
halloween
wal-mart butt cam
drinking baileys in the closet with madi "potato"
italian food
root beer schnapps
tattoos with stupid meaning
my nose ring
candle light
laying under the christmas tree and looking up through the branches
ornaments that do stuff
trick-or-treating
carving pumkins
making the gingerbread house
baking christmas goodies
going to ashland to play in the snow
annette, madi and i taking 13 pictures of ourselves because we thought the camera wasn't working
the old days when we all used to go to 'the edge"
Calvin and Hobbes
baby kisses
watching landon discover things
getting my nails done
looking back and realizing how much everyone has changed
"the pirate ship"
musicals
disney movies
trashy romance novels
vanilla chai tea(tastes like christmas)
christmas leftovers
my birthday
dancing
sub shop with madi
the golf course
vertical drive
starlight, when we used to go play in the unfinished houses
root beer floats
malibu rum and malibu barbies
long island ice tea
remembering how jade and i met, and thongs
old black and white horror movies
my friends
road trips finding out that beaverton dosen't exsist
stalking the house with jessica and vana
"skank-a-rella" and all the crazy IM we sent each other when i lived in cali
hiding in the bushes with jodi
dirtnik
texting people cause i'm to lazy to call
my little monkey boy
when landon tells me stories and i don't understand a word he says
landon being afraid of the ducks
monopoly games that last forever
playing risk on the playstation with doug and wes
playing dice and winning 4 times in a row
going to mexico
shooting with AJ in newport
playing paintball
ice skating(mostly on my butt)
Sealy and his craziness
madi
being free of abuse
scrapbooking
playing with landon
watching lady in the water with vana, eating cotton candy and drinking boones farm
jay-r getting stuck on dustins loft at the halloween party wearing high heeled boots
the leaf blower blowing jay-r's chip onto the floor, him eating thinking nobody was watching, then finding out it was on camera
when we get home from shopping and madi always says "it's like christmas!"
taking kerby(madis car) and going "mudding"
leea crushing the soda can on sasquatches head
doing the "taser twitch" and making madi laugh so hard she almost snorts
fall leaves changing colors
rediscovering who i am alone
elijah bear
logan and his curly hair
seeing my friends experience the joy of motherhood
my sister in culinary school
my mom being happy with OC
conner james and his cute laugh
ashley and kelly
snow days in the mountains
dr. pepper
tulips
singing along to veggie tales
knowing that i'm forgetting lots of things that make me happy

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so fed up!!!

i am so fucking fed up of Jake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay sorry for the swearing but i am so angry! I will never understand him and his b.s attitude and stupidity! Don't claim you love your son more than anything when you spend less than 24 hours a week with your son! Don't claim that you love your son and would do anything for him when you don't EVER pay your child support on time. And don't even pay a fair amount of child support! You make promises you don't keep, frequently make up excuses why you can't take Landon on your ONE night a week. You call, maybe 3 times a week to say goodnight, not every night like you promised Landon you would. You constantly ask me for help, and expect me to do things for you, but you are NEVER honest with me about anything. You never help me but expect me to help you? Seriously??? umm...NO...maybe you should lay off the booze and pot, i think it's killing what little brain cells you have.

And you know what, jake, your family sucks too! Landon has biological grandparents who live 15 minutes away from him and NEVER see him or contact him or have anything to do with him unless it's easter, thanksgiving, or christmas. They forget his birthday, they never have anything to do with him, and in the 5 years he's been alive they have babysat him ONE time, and only because i had surgery and you had to take care of me. They also often, in front of Landon, make comments about how they think that landon is not even your child. that is MESSED THE EFF UP!!!! it's sickening, it's sad, and it pisses me off!

Im not saying that my family is better...okay actually they are better than that! yes, i have family in GP who i dont speak to and who aren't a part of my life...i partly have you to thank for that. hopefully someday that will change, and we will be a family again...but in the mean time we are civil to each other and still love each other. we don't deny each other and talk bad about each other like your family does.

If you're going to be the biggest deadbeat douchebag on the planet, go ahead and be that person. but stop acting like you're some great person and father. Your mask dosen't fool as many people as you think it does! You can act like god's gift to women but the people around you know that everything you say is a LIE, and we know that you really are a snake, who cares only about himself, and what he can get from the people around him. You will do anything to get what you want, and it makes me sick!

after spending 5 years being your doormat, and doing everything for you, im starting to really hate the person you are. Even getting past the abuse, physical and emotional, their is the way you manipulate people. Even now you twist things to make them my fault. The domestic violence classes you took made it even worse. Not only are you manipulative, but now you know how to be sneakier about it. GROW UP! i'd say man up but your not a man, you're a stupid little boy with a temper problem!!!!

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How could anyone not adore this amazing little man?
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Okay, on a nice note, we had snow last night. It wasnt much and didnt last long, but it was pretty!
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Thursday, February 24, 2011

lameness...and some catch up

I was supposed to get my tax return on friday the 18th...and didnt. come to find out i mixed up 2 of the numbers in my account number, so the bank rejected the return, sent it back to the IRS and now i have to wait for them to send me a paper check, 3-4 weeks they said. LAME! that money would come in handy like, now...oh well.

there is something i dont understand about relationships. Why are we so hard and critical of the ones we love. why do we verbally tear down the people we claim are our friends? Im am so tired of my life being the topic of people's conversations. My life, my child, and my relationship are my buisness and no one else's!!!! You wanna play the talk shit game? cause i could lay ALL your shit on blast, and your closet has just as many skeletons as mine! But i dont and i wont, because that is NOT what friends do to each other!!!!!My life is not perfect, i am not perfect. sometimes i mess up, sometimes my house is messy, and sometimes i swear or say things that are inappropriate...guess why? im human, i mess up! just like you do! so next time you feel the need to talk about me and my life, why dont you be a big girls and say it to my face!

The past few days the weather here in southern oregon has been CRAZY! we've had rain, sun, crazy winds, and even snow in the past few days. i guess the ground hog must have seen his shadow and we're in for 6 more weeks of winter!which is okay with me, unless the weather gets in the way of landon and i's walks.

I finally got with the program and got netflix! well, actually im sharing an account with someone, but for $5 a month it rocks! without cable i dont get to watch alot of tv, which is good, but i have missed a few of my shows, plus netflix has all the great movies you can watch...it's awesome!

Landon is doing well, except for some attitude issues. He is a smart mouth, which im sure he got from me...i know my mother would just laugh and tell me im getting what i deserve if i told her, LOL...and she's be right! it seems like nothing works, but then today(after he spent all yesterday afternoon in his room and went to bed early) he had a great day with no problems, so maybe he does get it. Everyone says it's probably cause of the divorce, though i think some it is also that Landon's gma now is to busy for him. I knew when her daughter and grandson moved back that she would not take him every weekend and would devote more time to her actual grandson(as she should), but i can also see that it hurts Landon. So we're establishing a new weekend normal, trying to build in a new consistency. so far so good!Now im off to do the dinner dishes, and then im going to watch a movie, give myself a mani, and head to bed.

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Monday, February 14, 2011

valentines day

Ahh, valentines day. The day we celebrate love and spoil our loved ones. For some, it's a day of happiness. For some a day to remind us of the depressions of being single. For me it was a pretty good day. For breakfast i made heart shaped pancakes for Landon. For lunch we had heart shaped grilled cheese sandwiches and soup.(it was cold and somewhat rainy today) I gave Landon his present and he loved it! I got him a small box of spiderman chocolates, a stuffed puppy, and a card. He got me a box of toffee, a heart necklace, and a beautiful heart shaped card. Pat sent me a very nice card, some chocolates, and a awesome mix CD, and Lisa got me a box of assorted jelly belly's. For dinner we had landon's favorites, Mac & cheese and chicken nuggets. We watched the valentines day charlie brown and some other valentines-y cartoons. All in all, a very good day.
I was worried today would be hard, this being my 1st valentines since the divorce was finalized. But i made sure to focus on the love i do have in my life, and that made the day great. valentines day dosen't have to be about romantic love, it can also be a celebration of all the love we have in our lives. I hope the rest of you had a good day as well. Goodnight all, I love you!!!

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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Febuary

I love how i told myself i wouldn't go weeks without blogging, and then i went a month. LOL, sorry. The finalizing of my divorce on January 3rd brought about some...very angry feelings in me, that i am still struggling with. But i am trying very hard, not wanting to let the anger and bitterness take over me. It's hard, especially when Jake feels the need to call me and act like we're friends, like nothing is wrong between us. GRRRRR that bugs me

Moving on...Sunday, the 30th, was my cousin Rachel's baby shower in Eugene. I went with Denise, and it was awesome. Joy and 2 of the kids met us there, so i got to see her and meet little Luke for the 1st time, which was very nice. Plus i got to see Rachel, and spend some time getting to know her, which i enjoyed. Rachel's shower was very nice, in a VERY nice neighborhood in Eugene. The food was AMAZING, like something out of martha stewart living. Rachel got a lot of very cute girly clothes, including some her mom had saved to hand down to her. After the shower joy, denise, rachel, donna and the kids and I all went out to dinner. It was nice to spend some more intimate time talking and catching up. I put the pics up on facebook for anyone who wants to see them.

Im hoping that this month we will be getting our tax money back. I really hate being without a vehicle and having to rely on others for rides. Especially when not everyone is reliable, and it leaves me hanging. Plus im hoping to have enough to get a new bedset for me. Slowly but surely im re-doing my house to change the feel of it from "our" home to "my" home. I plan on switching the bedrooms to give landon the bigger room, since he has more stuff than me. i already changed the bathroom, and i LOVE it. it's all bright happy colors, with polka dots, stripes and stars. Again, you can see the pics of FB.

Now im going to go take a claritin, the maintenance guys are blowing and trimming outside and it's starting to bug my nose. Hopefully ill be keeping up blogging regularly again.

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