Tuesday, March 8, 2011


ahh March...

So whats new in our lives? Landon's sick...poor kid has strep and a double ear infection. His dad has pneumonia so at least he didn't get that! So poor little man is on anti-biotics and is miserable :( It seems like alot of kids i know are sick(Logan, Zach, Kyla, Conner) and Landon's doctor said there are some nasty bugs going around. Hopefully Landon will get better quickly.

I am (still) struggling with my feelings/anger/bitterness towards Jake. He
s so bi-polar sometimes. one minute he's calling me "just to talk" and wants to hang out and wants to try and be intimate, and then the next minute he's a complete jerk! GAH!!! i'm getting whiplash from his mood swings, i swear! Sometimes i think it would be easier if we didn't live so close to each other. or if Jake fell off the face of the planet(kidding! kinda) I have so many feelings where jake is concerned...sometimes i miss him, sometimes i still think i love him, sometimes i just want to dismember him slowly and painfully...it's like a roller coaster i cant get off of. Try as they might few people really know what im going through, and the ones that do and that can sympathize can't be bothered with me, or so it seems.

I hear people talking and i don't understand it. Why is my life so interesting? what did i do to deserve your harsh words and scorn? NEVER did i do anything so mean to you. Im just a woman and mother trying to get out of this hole and trying to start a new life and trying to move on and be better. Im sorry im not perfect. Im sorry i say the wrong things, or look the wrong way, or act the wrong way. Im sorry i hurt and cry and feel when you think i should be okay. Im sorry if i somehow failed you to where you think it's okay to talk about me the way you do. Im done trying to please anyone other than God and Landon, because im failing anyway.

also, i wanna get a few things off my chest...
1)when i blog i blog for me, to vent or release emotions i dont want to hold onto anymore. Im sorry if i says something you dont like.
2)I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this one
3)If you have something to say about me please day it TO me!
4)i NEVER blogged about landon's gma trudy with the intention of causing her guilt. it is a fact that she now spends more time with Logan than with Landon. He's her grandson, and she missed out on 7(?) months of his life, and she SHOULD spend more of her time with him. I was not in any way blaming her for his recent behavioral issues, i was simply stating my opinion that the change in what has been his routine for 4+ years may have contributed to the issue. I'm sorry if that was taken the wrong way, and I'm pretty sure i even said in that previous blog that she's spending more time with Logan, "as she should be!"
5)99% of guys are douches, and when i said this i didn't say it to put you down, i said it because i firmly believe that it is the truth!

I miss having a car...i can't wait to get the tax money back and start looking for a new one. I even have a friend that's gonna help me look, and he's car smart so he'll know what to look for(unlike me) I just miss being able to run errands by myself, without having to depend on other people. I miss being able to go to church on Sundays. the web-casts of the sermons are nice but it's not the same. I miss being able to go visit people! i'm a social creature and being home all the time drives me nuts. also, i cant wait to get back to school...

School. Landon will be in kindergarten this year. i cannot believe that he's old enough for that already. Gosh time goes by fast. they grow up so quickly that one minute their a baby snuggling in your arms and the next minute their grown and are walking and talking and telling you they don't need your help cause their " a big boy" LOL...needless to say i miss my baby being a baby. thank goodness everyone else is just entering baby stage so i can get my fix from them! ok, this blog has now taken me an hour to write, so im off to bed.


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