Thursday, March 27, 2014

A beautiful dream...

It was the kind of dream where you wake up mad at the alarm clock. It was almost a memory. Some holiday or event that caused a family gathering at my grandparents house. Everyone happy and laughing. Grandpa and John both alive and present. But not a memory, because Landon and all his cousins were the ages they are now. I was so angry that i woke up. Not just because of the presence of John and grandpa in the dream, but also because of carefree the dream me was. No stress, no pain, no worrying that people can tell you're sick...just laughter and love and happiness. Sometimes i feel like i'll never have that again. It's amazing how long 92 days can feel when you're always in pain. That's just 3 months. The three longest months... I'm trying to be strong. Keep smiling. Only cry in the shower. Not talk about it to much. Not whine. Not scream when i wake up and find a handful of strands on the pillow. Act like it's no big deal that the effort of pushing the vacuum made me cry. I'm realizing i need to find an outlet and let it out more. Holding it in isn't doing me any good. I'm snapping at people for no reason, just because i'm irritable and frustrated and in pain. I started blogging again because i had to have someplace to be able to get it all out of my head. I have more labs tomorrow. Vampires, LOL. Hopefully this time they find something. I'm not expecting anything anymore.

Monday, March 24, 2014

...

Looking in the mirror last night i noticed the changes in myself. can others see what i see? The pain and tiredness in my eyes? The lines at their corners that weren't there 3 months ago? The hair that is 1/3 less thick than it was a month ago. Even when i smile i feel like it's forced and fake. After 2 weeks the neruologists nurse finally got my insurance to agree to cover a new triptan migraine med. God willing it will actually help.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

everything...

I don't know if anyone even reads my blog anymore, but i have so much i need to get out and no other place to do it. I have had migraines since the 8th grade. The only time i have not had them was when i was pregnant with Landon. That was a nice 8 month break. This past november my migraines started to get worse, come more frequently, and come more painfully. More of them had aura symptoms beforehand. I started to feel like my Imitrex wasn't really helping. I saw my dr and he changed the dosage. Things continued like this until christmas night. We had Denise and Ed over for dinner. during dinner my head started to hurt. I took a ibuprofen and muscled through the rest of the night. By the time Landon went to be i was in a full blown migraine. I took medication and went to sleep. The next day was even worse. For 3 days i suffered, taking what i could get down, trying to take kill the pain. The 4th day i gave in and went to the ER. They gave me what i think of as the migraine cocktail; Reglan, a nausea medication, benedyrl, and a pain med. Even this medicine, which usually works very well, only brought the pain down by less than half. After a 2nd dose i felt well enough to go home. The next day i still had a headache, but attributed it to the medication and slept most of the day. But then the next day i had a headache as well. and the next day. In fact, every day since then i have had a headache. 85 days. Some days my pain is pretty low, a 3 on a scale of 1-10. Some days it's an 8. Some days it's just a headache, most days it's a true migraine. I've seen my dr many times. i've seen a neurologist. I've had a CT scan done. I've changed my diet. I've changed my medication. I've tried and failed many new migraine and pain medications. And still, there is no relief. No one can explain the sudden change in my migraines, the cause of my constant pain. New symptoms have recently occured that are concerning. Hair loss, easy bruising, sudden weight loss, constant muscle pain and weakness, the memory loss has gotten worse, loss of appetite, dysgeusia (change in taste buds caused by medication. It makes everything i eat and drink taste "off"). These might all be related to stress, but who knows. It scares me to not know what is going on. My body is doing all these things and i don't have any idea why or how to help it. Emotionally i'm a wreck. My life has changed so much in the past 3 months. I spend most of my time at home now. I can't go to church, the music is to much to handle, even with ear plugs in. The same goes for kareoke. I went out for my friends birthday and paid for it by spending the next 2 days in bed. I don't see people very often, and i would say i'm living half a life. The worst part is that it affects Landon. He's spending more time at home, playing quietly because noise hurts me. I hope i find some answers or some relief soon. I don't know how long i can live like this. I hate talking about it. I can only imagine how whiny i sound. I don't want people to want to avoid me because all i ever think about or talk about is my headaches. It's hard for it not to dominate my everything when it's always there though. As i type this there is pain behind my eyes, my entire body aches, and i know if i were to run my hand through my hair it would come back full of strands. It's hard to pretend to be fine. It's tiring to always be in pain and always be trying to act strong. I feel like i have no choice. The longer this goes on, the harder it becomes. The less good days i have. The more hopeless i feel. The more i want to scream. The more often i cry when i'm alone. The less often i leave the house. The more guilty i feel for what Landon misses when i'm in pain. It's a vicious cycle. Hopefully soon i will find some anwsers, God willing.